mardi 5 janvier 2016

English only

English only, as I don't want my parents to worry. I just googled "Haldol lethal dose" and was directed to a site that is all about suicide. That's when I realised I don't want to die, I just want to make a call for help if I'm made to go back to the ESAT on thursday. I know I'm extremely lucky that such facilities exist, and not far from my home, but I can't stand the permanent anxiety. I have been living at night during my whole month of sick leave, as if I was awake during the day I was obsessing about what I'd be doing if I were at the ESAT, then obsessing about my stash of medication or the kitchen knives. Up till now, the fact that what I want is serious help, not death, contained me. But still, I bookmarked that site. What prevents me from acting on my fantasies more than anything else is the fact that I don't want to go to the hospital.

4 commentaires:

  1. asking for help is important. I am with you in spirit and friendship. Reaching out and speaking truth is important. I hope that as Spring returns you will find some peace and solace.

    1. thank you; when I was at my psych appointment a patient of the unit went into cardiac arrest. They made me wait in a safe place, for obvious anonimity reasons, but I still saw the firefighters and the SAMU and the agitation. Made me pounder. I wouldn't want such thing to happen to my entourage. I'm on sick leave until the 3rd of February, I will have time to think about it more.

  2. Jolie chose (serre-cou ??) elle va être gâtée.
    (bon courage pour ce moment à passer) - hibiscus -

  3. Sais tu que si tes parents ont Google, il y a une traduction systématique

    Essaies quand même de vivre le jour, les jours rallongent & les fleurs arrivent (trop tôt c'est vrai!!)


Bonjour. Votre commentaire sera pris en compte dès que je pourrai le lire et le poster. Je suis obligée de lmodérer, c'est pour cela qu'ils n'apparaissent pas immédiatement, veuillez m'en excuser.

Hi. I'll read and post your comment as soon as I can get to it. I'm unfortunately under the obligation to moderate comments, that's why your comment won't appear right away on the page. I apologize for this.