I think I will ask for an internship (it's required before permanently joining) in the ESAT workshop for mental health patients and, on the 26th, when I see my psychiatrist, I will ask him to talk with my parents to convince them. He already proposed to do this previously but I declined because it was making me anxious. You see, when it's something that is not as accepted as depression, french psychs are reluctant to give a definite diagnosis. I've seen a total of four psychs in different settings, and all of them told me they treat symptoms, not labels (hence the tag for those entries); I've lurked on french patients forums on the net, and it always happens to people with bipolarity or schizophrenia or another type of psychosis, and they often have to wait for years before someone tells them. I know that on my disability paperwork (where they have to state the reason why one asks for disability) there is "chronic hallucinatory psychosis, depression and generalized anxiety" but it was never discussed (no, I lie; a psych once conceded I was "more psychotic than nevrotic". Well, a lot of good that did me! I tried to read about it but my reading comprehension failed me; but it may prove the psychs' point that they wouldn't give me a diagnosis so that I don't run and check what it means on wikipedia, with the risk I'd unconsciously behave like the description was). I did try a lot, though. I did a professional orientation assessment last year, where it was decided I should apply for the ESAT, and , as it is not a government organisation but a non profit private organisation that did this assessment, the psych told me he just put "personality disorder" on the paperwork in order to protect me so as not to disclose my diagnosis to untrustful persons but still put something to fill the questionnaire, so now I'm very confused. All I know is that I constantly am anxious, I sleep all the time and have a hard time feeling good feelings or feeling simply alive (we have two main ways to sense how I feel in my appointments with the psych : for strange perceptions, do I feel like it was from the outside or the inside of my mind [i.e. is it an halucination or an obsession], and for the general mood, do I feel alive or not), in a word I am apathetic when it comes to other feelings than anxiety and halucinate from time to time and experiences depersonalisation.( If you look at the drawings over there, the depersonalisation resonates a lot with me because it happens a lot, I knew the name of the symptom, but I prefer to call it being wayward from reality or from my mind, as I mostly feel a shift from reality. I've never seen a drawing expressing it so well!)
So I was reluctant that the psych talked to my mother, because I don't know where professionnal secret ends and am affraid my parents will know more than myself on my health and, even if they learn little about it, that it will break their heart. They have this fantasy it's my last job that burnt me out, but they conveniantly forget I had to drop out of university far before that because of my mental health...
But I need to do something. I'm tired of staying at home everyday and feeling like a leech, but I know I wouldn't be able to hold the jobs I see propositions for on the job office site. When I did my professional orientation assessment, it required a two-weeks internship, and I did mine in the ESAT in my town, the one where I'll go if all goes well. I was doing the washing and ironing of napkins, tableclothes and uniforms for the restaurant and gardeners of the ESAT, plus a few external clients. Everytime I had to load the industrial machine I was in stitches all the time it cycled because I was always affraid I'd forget to check a pocket and it could wreck the machine. It doesn't sound like much, but it was enough to make me freeze. And there were lots of other little occurrences like that. Plus I went to hide every time an external client came, and on my evaluation they said I was too solitary and didn't mingle with other workers, so I know it would be very difficult to handle standard workplace coworkers...even when I was a sales assistant and still able to hold my job, I had a very hard time relating to coworkers and interacting with them...
Well, was it what one calls a stream od consciousness post? lots of parentheses...I'm sorry, it must be hard to read.
ETA : it's barely 9h30 and I'm already sleepy. So I am posting this and going back to bed.
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Hi. I'll read and post your comment as soon as I can get to it. I'm unfortunately under the obligation to moderate comments, that's why your comment won't appear right away on the page. I apologize for this.