mardi 11 novembre 2014

Sleepy - Endormie

Today I'll write about another symptom. To illustrate it : I went to bed at 20h00 yesterday  (because I wanted to avoid the 20h00 news on tv that the household is watching, but also because I took my medication and it makes me sleepy. I slept till 04h00, got up to drink and read a little, went back to sleep at 05h00 after taking my morning med, slept till 11h00, had a bite then, got back to sleep at noon and finally woke up at 16h00. When they talk about depression or other mental health disorders, they often talk only about insomnia, but the exact contrary happens too. I'm reluctant to call it hypersomnia because it has really strict guidelines, but the feeling is there. My sleep schedule is totally messed up. When I had a job, I woke up one hour before I should be there (but got up 30 minutes later because it's very hard for me to get out of sleep. It can take me up to 1.30or 2 hours to get up after I'm awake nowadays, it's like I don't control my body), be it 9h00 or 16h00, and when I got back home I took a bite and went back to sleep. My sleep really got out of control when I was declared mentally inapt for my job, as depression added to my already there symptoms. In a few years I gradually got better, but now my anxiety is playing with me again and anxiety killers make me very sleepy during the day again. Yesterday I was discussing it with my singing teacher (she knows all about my mental health state; it would have been hard to hide it when I went to class drugged to the nose), about how it's hard to stay vigilant about all the things I must be aware of while singing while half asleep, and also that when I go back to a normal sleep schedule, singing will be more gratifying and I will at last progress. I agree with her. And there's more to it. I'm searching for a job, which is hard because most of the jobs I could take have you to work with the public, which got me pronunced mentally inapt for it last time already. But if I do find a job, how will I be able to hold it? Ideally, I should go to an ESAT (Établissement de service d'aide et de travail, a workshop for people with various disabilities). The competent office has agreed I could join one but it will be either one in Paris where they are reluctant to send me the paperwork I should fill, and anyway I should go there by bus and RER, which is hard on a good day and impossible if the train is crowded, like during a strike (and this is the RER line that goes the most on strike and has the most technical failures). There is an ESAT in my town, as a matter of fact it is 4km from my home, I could bike there, but the only workshop that still has room for me is ironing, and my mother would be very disappointed if I went there. I'm not imagining this. She clearly said to me she didn't want me to go there. So I don't know what to do...

3 commentaires:

  1. Listen to your heart. Do what is right for you. Thinking of you on your journey, as I know well that depression can keep me asleep for hours too. It is my equivalent of putting my head in the sand - pulling the covers up and not facing the world. I think you are brave to write about it. I really do.

    1. That's exactly this : as I don't remember much my dreams, it's a way of suppressing time or filling the void when I fill empty. Thanks. I'm still not brave enought to write it in french,though.

  2. Ce commentaire a été supprimé par l'auteur.


Bonjour. Votre commentaire sera pris en compte dès que je pourrai le lire et le poster. Je suis obligée de lmodérer, c'est pour cela qu'ils n'apparaissent pas immédiatement, veuillez m'en excuser.

Hi. I'll read and post your comment as soon as I can get to it. I'm unfortunately under the obligation to moderate comments, that's why your comment won't appear right away on the page. I apologize for this.